Finding Your Voice

I want to share something in honour of International Women’s Day, and to encourage all women to have a voice.

For most of you who know me, this will likely be a surprise, as this is something I have not put out there before. Only a handful of people know this about me.

I’m not sure why I have hidden this away, I think I was ashamed and worried people would judge me or look at me differently. It’s almost like parts of my life were swept under a rug and never spoken of. Even amongst my family, it was barely spoken of until I was an adult. For a long time it was almost like “it never happened”. But it did…and it did have an impact on my life and still does to this day.

It’s the reason that to this day… I have a deep fear of public speaking, which has held me back in my career. Even though I run workshops, speak at events, accept awards etc…. for many years I avoided it at all costs. You have no idea of the fear that grips me each and every time. This stems from my early childhood, from a time when I was afraid to speak.

I was a child of domestic violence.

My earliest memories are of (to name just a few):

• My toys and books being set on fire.
• Our household furniture being taken to with an axe.
• My mum being controlled and hit.
• My mum being held against a wall with a knife to her throat.
• Being afraid to speak, in case I would be hit for doing so.
• Being scared….all the time.

All of this in the first 7 years of my life. Even though I was young, I remember a LOT. It’s amazing how trauma can just stick in your memories.

It took a long time for me not to be afraid of people. I slept in my mum's bed for a really long time after that violent part of our life left, as I was afraid to sleep on my own.

Skip forward a few years to when I was 16, and I moved out of home (yes at 16). I left because the only other male role model who had come into my life after my dad left, someone who I had trusted and looked up to, deeply betrayed me… I could not stay.

So by 16 I was self-sufficient. I had a job, was paying my own rent, my own bills, pretty much going about life as an adult, with adult responsibilities.

At 18, I decided to move to Perth (from New Zealand), as I had family there I had never met. Moving to a new country, at 18, where I didn’t know a single soul was pretty scary. But I wanted a new life and a new start.

By the age of 21 I was married. By 22 I had my first child and another by 25. By 27 I realised I had married for the wrong reasons. My first husband had this huge, larger-than-life family, and I think I craved that feeling of family unity. And….I also craved a male presence in my life who actually wanted to take care of me, who would make me feel protected and safe. But we were very different people, and we had very different dreams. I wanted more than he wanted me to have as far as career goals, financial goals, life goals. We had bought a business together, and bought a house (by the time I was 23), but I wanted my own career and business, and he didn’t want that for me. I was studying, and he wasn’t happy about it. I felt suffocated and unhappy. I wasn’t able to live the life that I wanted to live. He wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t right for me. Things got progressively worse, and the following three years were extremely hard.

I walked away with my two boys from a home, a business, everything. And I started again from ZERO. We lived financially from week to week, mostly on rice and sausages, with no financial support. I felt like a failure.

But, I was determined that I was not going to be financially dependent on anyone or anything  ever again - even if it was legitimate financial aid or support.  I was so desperate to re-write my narrative and be 100% independent, that I felt relying on anyone else was a sign of weakness.  I realise now that there is strength in support, and encourage others in similar situations to access whatever support or assistance they need - with strength, not stigma.

However, my (perhaps misguided) stubbornness is part of my journey. It is what gave me the strength to pick myself back up, get a job, go back to school, and pursue my dream of running my own business. 

At the time, running my own business wasn't a starry-eyed dream. It was a dream of necessity. Of survival. There weren't too many 'regular' jobs that were going to allow me to raise my kids and establish some sort of financial independence, let alone freedom.

Starting a business as a single parent of two highly energetic boys definitely had its ups and downs. I worked nights, into the wee small hours of the morning, and weekends, so that I was able to be a mum during the day. I was beyond exhausted trying to get a business off the ground, raise boys, pay bills, and have a life. As they got older, I started to claim back some time, as I could pick them up from school, drop them to my brother's place, then go back out to clients.

For these early years of my life, I believe I pushed everything down and blocked it all out. I didn’t speak about it for years. No one in my family did. I believe that was typical of that era - domestic violence and abuse was something to be ashamed of, people didn’t want to speak about it, and people didn’t want to hear about it.

It wasn’t until my early 30’s, after I had gained back control of my life and was truly 'free', that I had a bit of a mental 'break'. I guess my 'survival' wall finally came down and it all came gushing out. I finally spoke to my brothers about it (they were too young to have any memories of it all), and my now husband. I finally realised the effect that it had subconsciously had on me, my earlier decisions, and my life. I don’t even think I had even acknowledged that what I went through was Domestic Violence or Child Abuse prior to this.

The business I started wasn’t the business I originally intended, though I created it based on the skills, resources, and time I had at my disposal.  And it has in fact, grown, evolved and continued to work around my family and my life ever since. What started as a survival project, gave me back control of my life, gave me back my confidence, and then grew into a thriving business.  

I didn't set out to create a multi-million dollar empire. And success didn't mean awards and accolades (though, they are nice to receive from time to time).

Success meant creating a business that:

• Put food on the table for my kids and allowed me to buy the things they needed in life. 
• Gave me something to be proud of (outside of my kids of course).
• Gave me purpose.
• Created goals for me to work towards.
• Gave me Financial Independence (something I believe ALL women are entitled to).

Every moment of hustling, learning, and fighting for freedom has been worth it - professionally and personally.

Today, I have been happily married to an incredible human (I still wonder how I got so lucky to find him) for 15 years, and have four amazing children, aged 29, 26, 14 and 12, who I am incredibly proud of (and I hope they all know how proud I am of them).

My business has evolved, flourished and contributed to the great life that I and my family live today! My journey also guided me to create Bookwiz Academy - a community where I can mentor, support and celebrate others pursuing their business dreams.

Today is International Women's Day and I want to promote:

• For all women to have a voice.
• For all women to have freedom and independence in all aspects of life.
• For all women to NEVER be afraid to speak up and speak out.
• For all women to live the life they all deserve.
• For all women to live without fear.

Keep thriving 

Martine

Need help?

1800 Respect - 1800 737 732

Lifeline - 13 11 14

Financial Counselling Australia - 1800 007 007

Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636

Women's Domestic Violence Helpline - 1800 007 339